“You shall not forget, for I am past forgetting.
I shall come to you again
With the starlight, and the scent of wild champakas,
And the melody of rain.”
Angela Manalang-Gloria, To a Lost One
Day: September 20, 2013
3 months in the making
This is really how it is when you’ve been gone for a long time. It feels like meeting a friend that you want to talk to for the rest of the night because you have a lot of catching up to do with each other. There are so many things I want to write about but I just can’t place where to write about what and how to do it or how to start. I must say, though, that everything that’s been going on with me is intensely influenced by the work that I do in Tuburan. It has been amplified by my travel (with future hubby) in Cebu where I sensed and sensed, explored and walked, thought and felt a lot of things and these were all facilitated by the practices and activities that Tuburan nurturers delve on. I feel so full with everything that’s going on that if I can only puke stars, clouds, rainbows, colors, flowers, and everything else from all of these, it would go on forever.
Originally, intentionally, this post is supposed to be for the 3 months that has been ever since I became part of Tuburan Institute, Inc. And I feel like it’s been 3 scores already instead of 3 months. Still, so many things to do and feel and experience and sense and explore and learn and travel on and it goes on and on and on…
I am NOT your best friend
I don’t consider myself the best friend. Not today. I’ve been receiving calls that I’ve been missing on purpose because I didn’t want to answer them. It felt like these calls are only made when it is convenient for the caller without consideration for the one being called. This isn’t the first time and this happens a lot of times.
On an ordinary day when my hormones are not going around all too crazy, I would have answered the call, offered the same advices I’ve been offering again and again just in different forms and with a few more additions, consoled, comforted, and reassured the one calling. It just wasn’t that for me today. I had a long day. I’m tired and I wanted some time for myself. I’ve also been missing the other piece of my heart and the other piece of my mind from somewhere else among the stars at night or the clouds by day. (His work schedule doesn’t fit with mine these days.)
On a bigger scale or to allow this to transform – to process it – I think this has all something to do with selfishness and loving unconditionally. It’s easier for me today to be selfish, give myself the time, and forgive myself for choosing so.
I remember having this conversation with K and N (co-nurturers in Tuburan) and we were talking about loving unconditionally – to love without asking for anything in return, without expecting your love to be appreciated or valued – just that – you love. And you only love. But it’s more natural for people to expect for reciprocation; that’s why we have returns for investments or interests in bank loans – but I guess loving falls out of the spectrum of monetary functions like bank systems.
And if I ask myself now where I am, I am still being selfish. I am still not the best friend – that I can love with all my heart but this time these calls cannot be answered because I need to answer to myself first, I need the silence, and I simply don’t want to be the perfect best friend convenient-for-calling-only-when-needed-but-don’t-mind-it for today.
no excuses.
i just haven’t been writing on this blog. so i had to do a bit of a makeover on it for a fresh start because honestly, i don’t know where to pick up on my writing where i have left off. unfortunately, i think the entry i will be writing first after a long hiatus is a rant over something that doesn’t necessarily have to matter but matters.
Lothlorien~dream flower 