Dear Himaya,
I’ve realized that the most difficult things to let go of are the things we think we possess. That is why I carefully remind myself that you are not mine. It makes it easier to let you go.
I have read a lot of times how people say that we are not just made up of genes. We are made up of everything we can find in the universe. Each of us has the universe in us. And so you are not just made up of Papa and me. You came through us, as Khalil Gibran has said in his poem, but you do not come from us. And every time I say these words to myself while I am mourning, the words help me let you go.
I have also learned to not feel sad about the future I imagined where you will not be anymore. It used to hurt so much remembering all the plans I made for you. Now I have learned to imagine a different kind of future wherein you are the one singing songs over our heads, watching over us, guiding our paths.
There are only a few of us here on Earth that I know who believe in signs. I even have friends who do not believe in the same things that I do. I still choose to believe in signs, though.
Coincidentally, I stumbled upon the blog of a Reiki master from the US – The Raven’s View who shares the same sentiments with me. To quote her:
There is no doubt in my mind that our souls live on, and stay around for some time to comfort us. They come to us in signs, symbols and synchronicities. Often they come through our animal spirits such as the Butterfly, Mourning Dove and more. So if you lose someone you love, human or animal, pay attention to the signs around you. They will stay close for a while to ensure that you don’t mourn too much. I find it very comforting.
I find her words very comforting. Very reassuring. I look for you everywhere, love, especially in the clouds and in flowers. But recently it’s dragonflies that I keep seeing.
I remember when I was a child, when my maternal grandfather died, my cousins and I saw a little brown moth by the window. From then on, I’ve always believed that butterflies are bringers of messages. And then last Thursday, I saw a yellow dragonfly instead of a butterfly. This is the second time I’ve been greeted by this winged creature. I said Hello to it and I swear I saw it moved its head a bit towards my direction before flying away. I guess it was you telling me you’re just here with me and that I need to be strong. The next day, I learned that my paternal grandfather had finally passed on at 94.
Indeed, I became your Lolo and Lola’s stronghold. I was the one trying to comfort and console them. But I believe that you are the one filling me with the strength and love that I have to give away to others who need it. I thank you for the strength you are giving me anak. You are so giving. You are very wonderful.
I love you Himaya. Thank you for the dragonflies.