Dear Himaya,

This kind of feels like Dear Diary. The only difference is that I am not writing as a teenager. I am writing as a 30-year-old mother who can only wish that her daughter will be able to read these letters in her teens. But you’re past teenage years now Himaya. You went straight to heaven and excused yourself from all the trivialities of being human. You’re free from childhood illnesses, from unrequited love or heartaches of a teenage girl, from diseases of truth in adulthood. I am honestly just rambling. So forgive this first step to writing to you again.

You see, I started writing monthly letters for you last April. I didn’t know then that the first letter will be the only letter I’d ever finish writing for you. The second letter never got to see the finish line. Because that’s when Death came to fetch you. Time to go back to heaven dearie, she said. Time to report back to headquarters and write the results of your research on Earth.

Life and death have suddenly played a different music while you and I were still dancing to a lullaby. I suddenly found myself having to dance alone to a different tune without you in my arms anymore. But I know that I have to keep on dancing, my love. And so I shall keep on dancing, I promise you that, no matter how sharp these turn of events are or will be.

I learned from college to write and recollect in tranquility but I listened to your Tita E when she told me to write while the moments are still raw and fresh. I guess recollection in tranquility shall become edit and revise in tranquility, no?

I told your Tita E that I’m afraid to write again because it will require me to think and remember and I know for sure that if I do I would cry. There’s a sense of aloneness in writing and thinking and I told her I still don’t have enough courage to be alone. But I don’t know what happened today – I suddenly woke up finding the courage to write.

It’s Papa’s morning shift at work again this week which means I get to take morning walks with you again. Before leaving the house, while Papa was oiling Mochi, I folded the raincoats we used last night. While I was at it, I said aloud “Good morning Himaya! Good morning baby!” Papa and I looked at each other and smiled and then I told him “I guess we’re working on the best long distance relationship ever. Well..next to Lolo Horst and Lola Gisellè’s I guess.”

I think this is how I start moving forward anak. Working on a beautiful long distance relationship with you.

I love you, Himaya!