Dear Himaya,

I am writing here on the van on our way home to Davao. Papa and I went to Surigao together with some acquaintance. The trip was organized by the wife of his colleague. I was supposed to write when we get home but I was bored because we’ve been on the road for almost 7 hours now (it’s almost 5:00 in the afternoon) and I’ve been wanting to write about our experience yesterday.

On our way to Surigao last Saturday night, I noticed that the roads kept on twisting and turning. There were so many blind curves and unexpected turns. It was also very foggy (this I learned from Papa later on because I fell asleep in the middle of the trip). It feels pretty much like our lives what with all the sharp turns we’ve been going through. Your father almost lost me when we gave birth to you and then 3 months later, we lost you.

I guess the trip was meant for us to take. As if the twists and turns were meant for us to taste again. And I have learned that the sharp turns were only sharp at the beginning but that you learn to sway along with every turn that comes next.

We have a 2-year-old child travelling with us. I find him really, really cute love. He makes me miss you but I’m glad that it doesn’t feel sad. I just miss you. And it was funny because yesterday afternoon he thought I was his mom and called me Mama and raised his arms waiting for me to carry him until he realized I wasn’t his mother. I guess I will always miss that kind of feeling anak, of my own son or daughter calling me Mama and waiting for me to carry them. But I will also always be grateful to you for the memory of how beautiful it feels to be able to hold you in my arms. Thank you always for choosing to spend some time in my arms and for choosing me and Papa to love you the best way we know how.

The love I share with Papa made me understand e.e. cummings when he described how one can carry someone in his heart. The love I share with you made me understand it more deeply. I carry you always with me. I carry you always in my heart. And I have decided to do the things that you would have done or I would have let you enjoy had you gotten old enough here on Earth.

I knew you would have loved our trip the way I did. I knew you were there with us. How can you not be when I find you in all things bright and beautiful; in things that make me praise God and Mother Nature.

I remember you most especially in Sohoton Cove – in its pristine waters that isn’t allowed for swimming but so clear that you can see the beautiful corals that seem so within reach though they’re really down deep; in the cleft of the mountain they call the Horse Tail that serves as a marker for the guides to find their way back; in the mystical rock wall that sounds like a ringing bell or a choir singing to a piano’s accompaniment whenever it’s the Holy Week; in the courage one has to take to climb the sharp and steep rocks of Magkukuob Cave; in the cathedral of the Holy Family and the Saints that one can see when you get to the top. However others would look at the rocks, they sure made me feel like I have visited a sacred and quiet place. I had to pause in reverence and I kept whispering “So beautiful Mother Earth. So beautiful Himaya.” Papa had to call me twice and remind me to hold onto the rocks carefully and watch my step as he went ahead of me. Finally I remembered you when I reached the end of the cave and the only way to get out is to jump off the cliff and hit the waters. It taught me a different level of letting go and trusting. It felt very liberating.

You are all of that for me, my love. You are my clarity, my marker, my singing angel, my cathedral. You continue to teach me about trust, courage, liberation, reverence, beauty, and sanctity. I know that wherever I go I know that I will find you like when I looked up the sky at dawn and saw the moon smiling back at me when Papa and I sat by the shore early this morning.

We were talking about the cliff/rock/mountain beside the resort we were staying in. We revelled at how the community of trees was so alive and lush. He asked me “Who do you think planted them there?” to which I wasn’t sure what to say. I was amazed when he said “Nature.” Nature indeed. In which the elements, seasons, animals, and the ways of the universe participate in their creation. He suddenly muttered “But I guess when it’s your time, it is your time” and pointed at a dead tree among the living trees. And as with everything, we remember you. Like the dead tree among the living ones making the entire picture beautiful and complete, you are with us always.

Thank you for the rainbow peeping through the clouds that I saw when I suddenly looked at the sky to pause from writing. I would like to believe it was intended for me because I was the first and the only one who noticed it. Thank you Himaya. May you always remember that I love you.